Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
