So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
