your parents love me but you hate me
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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