I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
we're so committed to being not committed
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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