my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
