my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
