batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
