Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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