he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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