we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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