apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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