wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
