is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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