K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
