nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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