I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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