We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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