I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize