My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
