as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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