Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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