My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
