Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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