Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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