How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
