It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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