i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
