You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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