Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
