dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
