ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
