At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
