There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And then my night got REAL pukey
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
