Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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