her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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