I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
