i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
