no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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