my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
