you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize