rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found your dick twin last night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
