Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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