i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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