Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
