ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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