I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
