Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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