new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
