i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
