Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
