3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
