I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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