I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
