it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
