I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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