I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
