ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
