the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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