we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
